Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Moment

Holy moly, I can't believe it.  I received an email from The Bump on Tuesday and it said "welcome to week five".  When I opened it, I initially thought that something was wrong because my baby is only one month old.  Then I stopped for a moment and thought.  I realized that it was Tuesday and that he WAS five weeks old.

How does that happen?  How does life move so fast?  This thing called time is a real bitch.  Time goes so fast when you want it to stand still, yet so slow when you want it to move.  It doesn't make much sense to me, but I suppose it doesn't need to make sense. 

So, five weeks, my child is five weeks old already.  (Well, five weeks and two days old now)  He is growing like a weed and developing his own cute ways.  Like the way he stretches or the way he smiles before going to sleep. 

Did I ever think that motherhood could be so rewarding?  No.  He is only five weeks old, yet I feel like he has done so much.  From lifting his head to rolling over at the doctor's these all brought proudness to a mother's heart. 

I found myself thinking yesterday about how scared I am about everything with him.  I am scared to put him in his room for any length of time, what if he stops breathing.  I can't take a shower without him being in the bathroom with me, what if something happens.  There are times when he is sleeping that I place my hand over his chest just to ensure it is still moving up and down.  And there are times when I look at him and think to myself "what if this is our last moment together".  Is this normal?  No, I don't think so.  I don't think a mother should question if a moment will be the last with her child.  But for me, a babylost mom, I seem to think that this is very normal. 

PTS, what does it mean?  Post Tramatic Stress.  They find that many who experience the loss of a baby also experience PTS.  Do I think I have this?  Not full force, no.  But I think that I have some of the characteristics of PTS, I think all parents who loose a child do and will always possess some of the characteristics in their daily life. 


With it we heal.  We move on and our ways of coping change. 

Time doesn't forget, no, it just helps heal the hurt, the pain, and makes the scaryness a little less frightening. 

Time moves so fast.

Before time slips away and moments become memories, live for the moment regardless of if it is the last or not. 

1 comment:

Sarah said...

I was the same way with my first child... freaking out over every little thing ... Is he breathing? Checking on him a million I can imagine that its a lot worse for you!

Even now my oldest is almost 3 and I still think "what if he gets into an accident on the way to daycare" ... I always make sure to give lots of hugs and kisses :) Mom paranoia never really goes away, I dont think. I always worry.

When my husband first started taking the kids to daycare I would call him to talk for a minute... ask him how they did at drop off, just to make sure he didnt forget them in the car. lol