Monday, June 27, 2011

Hospital, AGAIN!

Yes, yet again I managed to make my way back into the hospital while pregnant with our little gift.  This time I had pain in my back and lots of blood in my urine (from the bad kidney).  I spent Saturday in the hospital AGAIN!

Doctors kept saying it was because the stone was moving, so much for doctors knowing what they are talking about.  After four days of "playing" with the pain, I finally decided it was time to go to the ER.  Soon after arriving, I was told I had a kidney infection from the nephrostomy tube.  Go figure!!!

After an IV of medication and about an hour in Labor and Delivery, I was released with additional antibiotics, something I asked for before I left the hospital on 6/8. 

So, I now have hardly any back pain, no blood in my urine, and I can finally move around and act as much like myself as possible with a plastic tube in my back. 

Praying that will be the last visit to the hospital until Nolan arrives.  So far this little guy has dealt with a hospital visit at 6 weeks gestation when I had pleurisy. That resulted in a CT scan.  Then the kidney stones at 32 weeks gestation.  And lastly (hopefully), this last visit at 34 weeks gestation for a kidney infection.  Through all of them though, Nolan hasn't allowed anything to effect him. 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

In My Dreams

It hit me this morning when I woke up, like it was happening all over again.  The thick grey cloud came in quickly and surrounded my entire body.  I breathed in deeply and was choked by the thickness of the cloud and the mist that I breathed in.  It was around me and it wasn't going away. 

I realized for the first time during this pregnancy that I am and will forever be a BLM.  Yes, I have had several instances with this pregnancy that have been scary, but this morning proved to me that I will never be the same. 

Last night I was having terrible back pain, thought to be caused from the kidney stones I have been dealing with.  I decided to finally go to sleep.  I was able to make it until about 4a, then the pain started again.  This time in the front of my stomach also, though it wasn't bad enough for me to go the hospital.  I laid there, in bed, thinking of everything that could possibly be causing the pain.  It all came back to the stones. 

I decided to try to refocus my small amount of energy on whether or not to call the doctor.  I thought of the things that could go wrong for Nolan, as well as myself.  While going down the checklist of potential concerns for Nolan, this was when I hit the first step in my realization.  The checklist I go down is surely different than what most pregnant woman go down. 

I started at the top:  1.  Is he moving?  2.  Kick counts, does he meet them?  3.  Could he not be receiving enough oxygen?  4.  What if it's his heart, no it can't be, we had so many tests.  5.  The cord, OMG what if the cord is around him.  6.  Everything will be fine, you are 34 weeks.  7.  No, something could go wrong, what about those poor girls who lost at 38 weeks or even the one who lost at 40 weeks and 2 days.  8.  OMG, I can't take this, Nolan move!  9.  Finally, he moved, but what if it is a sign that something isn't right?  10.  Please God, allow Wyatt to watch over his brother and get him here healthy and safe. 

This is my checklist that I go through everyday, sometimes more than once a day.  As I said, that was just the first step of my realization.  The second step occurred this morning when I woke up after the long sleepless night. 

As I woke up, I realized I had tears in my eyes.  I wiped the wetness from my face and rolled over in bed.  I tried to think about it may have caused the tears and it came to me, the dream is what caused them.  I had a dream about a walk that a friend was planning.  It was something that she planned on a spur of a moment.  She called to tell us to be there a 6p and to show our support by wearing something that represented our little Wyatt.  Something happened though and we didn't make it by 6p.  I was laying in bed, in the dream, and looked at the clock.  It said 6:30p.  I got up quickly, got dressed in a monkey long sleeve shirt and a monkey sweat shirt and rushed to get Brian ready.  I remember receiving a call from him asking me if I wanted anything from Mountain City, as he had stopped at the super market.  We finally did make it to the walk just as it was starting, as it started late.  That is when I woke up. 

Okay, so a dream about a walk, nothing too big right?  Well to me it is.  That is the first time I have had a dream about Wyatt since Wyatt left us.  Though Wyatt wasn't really in the dream, we were more so honoring him, it still hit hard this morning when I woke up. 

As I said before, I will never be the same.  I have a not so standard checklist I follow for my pregnancy with Nolan and I have dreams that bring tears to my eyes about walks for our little Wyatt. 

So you ask, what was your realization?  My realization was that I am and will always be a BLM.  I will always carry that fear, grief, and sadness with me wherever I go, whether it be in life or in my dreams. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

40 Days Left!

We are down to 40 days remaining until our gift by the name of Nolan arrives, well his due date arrives at least.  We all know that babies enter this world whenever they are good and ready. 

I can't believe how quickly this pregnancy has gone by.  Don't get me wrong, there are days when it seems to go so slow, but overall, time has flashed by.  Just the other day I found myself revisiting the day we found out we were expecting again.  Ah, what a magical moment.

There are still so many things that need to be done before little Nolan arrives.  Things like finishing the nursery because there still isn't a light or closet doors.  We still have to get the bottles out, shoot, we still need to make room in cabinets for bottles.  Then we have a concerned father who still wants to get the carpets professionally steam cleaned and who wants to have the duct work cleaned.  I swear he fears dust. 

Will we get it all done?  Probably not.  Does it bother me?  It would have before, but it honestly doesn't now.  Everything that we have remaining can certainly be done after Nolan arrives.  All I care about now, is Nolan's arrival and holding him in my arms. 

I can't wait, only 40 days left until his due date.  Hopefully he arrives on time!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

What a Week?!

This week was a mess, a totally huge mess. 

Monday was June 6, which is mine and Wyatt's birthdays.  The day started off great, with minor pains but for the most part great.  I went shopping with my mom and out to lunch.  After spending all of my birthday money on new maternity clothes and a bathing suit, we returned home.  My back was killing me, but I assumed it was just from walking so much.

After dozing off on my mom's couch, I immediately awoke to a sharp pain in my right side.  This was the second time in two days I had experienced this pain, so I knew what it was.... a kidney stone.  Thankfully, Brian was already at my mom's working on her pool.  He went to pick up some pain medicine but it didn't work. 

We decided to head to the ER.  Upon arrival, the lady asked for my name and date of birth.  She realized that my date of birth was that same day.  Then she asked if this was my first pregnancy, I responded with "no, we lost our first son on this day last year."  At that moment, I think I had captured the attention of everyone in the ER. 

I was taken back quickly, seen by a doctor, and received some pain medication.  It wasn't enough.  I was sick, so sick and screaming in pain.  Though I gave birth to Wyatt, I received so many drugs that the pain was hardly there, so I don't really know what labor is like.  I can say though, I believe kidney stones are worse than labor.  After getting sick several times and finally being admitted and moved to my own room, I had another two attacks.  One was so bad they sent in two nurses, one to help me get sick and the other to hold the oxygen on my nose so I could breathe.  Yea, it was bad.

Tuesday, I received some relief.  The urology team decided that I either needed a stent or a nephrostomy tube.  Because I have had both in the past, I thought the nephrostomy tube would be more comfortable while carry a five pound baby, so I selected that option. 

Little did I realize, that I would not be able to swim all summer.  So much for that beautiful pool that sits in my yard, for the second year.  Yep, I have to keep this tube in until two weeks after Nolan is born.  Two weeks.  That is nine more weeks of this horrible tube. 

Well, I was released from the hospital on Wednesday.  It has been a rough week, a week of back pain, side pain, and well just PAIN.  I forgot to add, that I struggle to find something to wear also, since the tube is always in the way. 

Though the week has been tough, it is ending great.  Today is Nolan's baby shower, something that we never made it to with Wyatt.  Hopefully the weather holds out and the pain stays away until after. 

I am so excited for Nolan's shower.  I can't wait to see all of his things and get them in his room.  Just one more step closer to Nolan's arrival and us bringing him home!!

Thursday, June 2, 2011


Last night, I was talking with Brian about how many weeks we have until we get to meet our little Nolan.  When I said that we still have just under nine weeks, he just looked at me.  He said, "More than a month, more than two months?!"

Yes, we are anxiously awaiting Nolan's arrival.  We couldn't be more excited and though we are both nervous, for many reasons, we are ready.  There is still a lot that needs to be done before Nolan comes home, but most of it is just because we feel it HAS to be done (it really doesn't need to be). 

I have my 31 week appointment today with Dr. Askinas.  I never made it this far with Wyatt, so I don't really know what to expect today.  I am assuming the same, quick five minute visit. 

I, like Brian, can't wait for these nine weeks to be over.  I am starting to get to the point where I struggle to sleep at night because I am so anxious, like a child on Christmas Eve.  Walking into work today I started counting down in my head.  I told myself that next Monday marks eight weeks left.  Eight weeks!  That is only 2 months.  It sounds better as eight weeks. 

Oh, come on time.  Here I am rushing time so I can meet Nolan but on Wyatt's blog I am trying to hold back time.  Funny how that happens.  Though I want to meet our son extremely bad right now, I know that he needs to continue to grow and become strong before entering into this world.  That being said, I can certainly wait for his expected due date of 8/1. 

Time is what prevents everything from happening at once. 
~John Archibald Wheeler

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A Wonderful Surprise

On May 24th, I received a wonderful surprise!  A baby shower for our little Nolan.

Like most Tuesdays at work, there was a scheduled staff meeting from 3-4:30p.  I noticed that the meeting time was changed but I didn't think anything of it.  On Monday, I had to return to the doctor's for a potential kidney stone and she requested that I have a kidney ultrasound.  Of course, I couldn't get the ultrasound the same day, so I had to schedule it for Tuesday.  I told my manager I would be late on Tuesday and she acted sorta funny.  She normal wouldn't say much and basically tell me to come in whenever, but on Monday she was adamant that I return to work as soon as possible.  Again, I didn't pay much attention to it, but I did say something to my peers.  They played it off wonderfully.

So Tuesday came, I went to the doctors and came in around 10:30a.  The day progressed and nothing seems unusual.  I dialed into the staff meeting at 3:30p and even offered up so recognition.  Eventually my manager stated that she was coming upstairs to sit with us for the call, super odd, as she never does this.  Then when she arrived, she sat at my desk.  Of course, there was some computer glitches that peers were trying to work out, so as they did that, I figured I would clean up my trash.  I crumbled it into a ball and started walking to the trash can.  That's when it happened.

 I ruined the surprise. 

I walked past a peer's desk, looked down, and there was a radio flyer wagon filled with all kinds of cute little baby things. 

I couldn't believe it.  I was in total shock and really didn't know what to say.  I had no clue!

During the shower, we played a few games with our other peers in the other regions.  I opened the wrapped packages and pictured what Nolan would look like in each of the outfits.  We finished with wonderful red velvet cupcakes that had dyed blue icing. 

What a wonderful surprise! 

"Babies are bits of stardust, blown from the hand of God."
-- Barretto