In My Dreams

It hit me this morning when I woke up, like it was happening all over again.  The thick grey cloud came in quickly and surrounded my entire body.  I breathed in deeply and was choked by the thickness of the cloud and the mist that I breathed in.  It was around me and it wasn't going away. 

I realized for the first time during this pregnancy that I am and will forever be a BLM.  Yes, I have had several instances with this pregnancy that have been scary, but this morning proved to me that I will never be the same. 

Last night I was having terrible back pain, thought to be caused from the kidney stones I have been dealing with.  I decided to finally go to sleep.  I was able to make it until about 4a, then the pain started again.  This time in the front of my stomach also, though it wasn't bad enough for me to go the hospital.  I laid there, in bed, thinking of everything that could possibly be causing the pain.  It all came back to the stones. 

I decided to try to refocus my small amount of energy on whether or not to call the doctor.  I thought of the things that could go wrong for Nolan, as well as myself.  While going down the checklist of potential concerns for Nolan, this was when I hit the first step in my realization.  The checklist I go down is surely different than what most pregnant woman go down. 

I started at the top:  1.  Is he moving?  2.  Kick counts, does he meet them?  3.  Could he not be receiving enough oxygen?  4.  What if it's his heart, no it can't be, we had so many tests.  5.  The cord, OMG what if the cord is around him.  6.  Everything will be fine, you are 34 weeks.  7.  No, something could go wrong, what about those poor girls who lost at 38 weeks or even the one who lost at 40 weeks and 2 days.  8.  OMG, I can't take this, Nolan move!  9.  Finally, he moved, but what if it is a sign that something isn't right?  10.  Please God, allow Wyatt to watch over his brother and get him here healthy and safe. 

This is my checklist that I go through everyday, sometimes more than once a day.  As I said, that was just the first step of my realization.  The second step occurred this morning when I woke up after the long sleepless night. 

As I woke up, I realized I had tears in my eyes.  I wiped the wetness from my face and rolled over in bed.  I tried to think about it may have caused the tears and it came to me, the dream is what caused them.  I had a dream about a walk that a friend was planning.  It was something that she planned on a spur of a moment.  She called to tell us to be there a 6p and to show our support by wearing something that represented our little Wyatt.  Something happened though and we didn't make it by 6p.  I was laying in bed, in the dream, and looked at the clock.  It said 6:30p.  I got up quickly, got dressed in a monkey long sleeve shirt and a monkey sweat shirt and rushed to get Brian ready.  I remember receiving a call from him asking me if I wanted anything from Mountain City, as he had stopped at the super market.  We finally did make it to the walk just as it was starting, as it started late.  That is when I woke up. 

Okay, so a dream about a walk, nothing too big right?  Well to me it is.  That is the first time I have had a dream about Wyatt since Wyatt left us.  Though Wyatt wasn't really in the dream, we were more so honoring him, it still hit hard this morning when I woke up. 

As I said before, I will never be the same.  I have a not so standard checklist I follow for my pregnancy with Nolan and I have dreams that bring tears to my eyes about walks for our little Wyatt. 

So you ask, what was your realization?  My realization was that I am and will always be a BLM.  I will always carry that fear, grief, and sadness with me wherever I go, whether it be in life or in my dreams.